We are proud and committed to offer our Life-long
You WILL Be Happy guarantee, with ALL of our products.

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This is why we literally burn our logo into every item - no need to keep receipts or certificates. We got you covered, no matter how long ago you made your purchase.

There are three stipulations to this guarantee though that we would like to make:

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A. the "life-long" part refers to Tom's life, not your own.
As much as we'd wish it was different, there is very little he could help you after that...
He is, however, in very good health, and coming from a long line of too-stubborn-too-die bastards.

B. the "happy" part refers to your level how satisfaction with our products and service. Not your general feeling about life, nor the state of your relationship with the ones you've subjected to the output of our products.
This means will replace, repair, and even refund any product that didn't meet your expectation, until you'd confirm you're happy again.

C. our products are created with an intended use in mind, and in most cases it does not include withstanding armed assault, or use on substances that are not flesh and bones. Some comes with even more specific instructions, such as "for warm-up only", or "not on bare-skin".
In order to benefit from our guarantee in case some damage did come to the product, you will not need to prove to us what exactly happened, but you will be asked to place you right hand on a sub's ass, and swear that that you did not use it in anyway it was intended to.